Being a Dad – Page 2 – Jared Throneberry

Dad Revelations: Stepping In

How many times have you done something stupid and would have been OK if God had just stepped in and stopped you from doing it?

The other night my daughter wanted to tackle homework all on her own. She didn’t even want us to know that she was going to do it. She told me to just let her “take some notes,” as in “leave me alone so I can get my homework done.” I caught on pretty quickly. But knowing my daughter and her inability to stay on task, a trait she lovingly got passed down from her father, I figured it was only a matter of time before I needed to step in. Bedtime was quickly approaching, but I wanted to give her space.

At the same time, our 8-month old baby is pulling up on everything. He’s just getting started, so obviously this is not a graceful act. The trouble usually happens when he gets slightly distracted, or so focused on one object that he misses his mark and bumps his mouth. From his level, the dining room chairs and coffee table are like a jungle gym. The only problem is that he’s still a Bobblehead. One curious turn of the head and we have a busted noggin’ against the chair leg.

With the baby, I step in and protect him at every possible moment. Of course, I do. He’s helpless. He doesn’t know better. And then, obviously, as he grows up I will begin treating him as I do his older sister. Loosening the reins as time passes. I step in when I need to, but at the same time continue to give her space to learn and grow. Especially when she’s demanding it…

This particular event with my daughter was over math homework. Her task was to subtract minutes across the hour break using a clock dial. What’s 30 minutes before 1:10pm? Now, I could point to the answer in a second, and explain the ‘why’ in a minute. But she’s reading, and thinking, and trying to find a relevant video, and getting a drink of water, and using the bathroom, “Um..Babygirl? I thought you were doing your homew… taking some notes?” Sure enough, it became late enough that I had to step in, and after a minute of pouting then redirecting, we finally got it finished.

Someday, she may be where I find myself, sitting at work and trying to stay focused, wishing she had someone reminding her to stay on task. Someday she’s going to get unreasonably angry in traffic, wishing she had someone to calm her down. Someday she may wonder why God isn’t stepping in to stop her from doing something stupid.

I honestly don’t know how much God steps in our lives. It might be more than I realize. Less than I’d like it to be? I’m not sure how all that works. But I can see the benefit in consequences. Ohhhhhhhhh I hate to say that. But isn’t it true? There are some life lessons you can only learn by experiencing them. My poor baby boy will soon stop pounding his head when he sits up underneath the piano bench. My daughter may, possibly, hopefully, someday realize that it’s better to go ahead and finish her meal even if it’s not her favorite. Someday I might realize that it’s not worth it to hit the snooze over and over again.

I try to be an example. I try to give her reminders. I tell her stories and take advantage of life lessons that are happening right in front of us. I will be there for her when she needs me.

God gave us Jesus as an example. There’s a collection of stories, accounts, and letters in the form of the Bible to be a reminder. We have the church to share life with and learn from each other. God is always there when I need Him (rather, He’s there whether I think I need Him or not).

My wife gave me a print of this cartoon for Christmas, from a cartoonist she knew in high school. Sums up this whole thought pretty well:

Yep, I think I finally understand how God feels about us.

Dad Revelations

Dad Revelations: Giving

We just got back from vacation to the “happiest place on earth,” Disney World. My daughter is 8 years old; prime age for princesses, magic, all the rides, all the stores, everything! She’s a great kid, very polite and understanding. She gets all giddy-excited at the sight of anything remotely fun. From a dad’s perspective, it’s perfect. I don’t dread it. I’m happy because she’s happy.

When you become a parent, you instinctively care more about your child’s happiness than your own. And you’re OK with it! Their happiness IS your happiness. You want to give them things that make them happy. And being at Disney, I want to give her EVERYTHING!

I’m also cheap, so the temptation doesn’t last long. We watched the parade at night where all the floats are lit up in dramatic neon fashion. Of course five minutes before the parade, vendors are walking through the crowds selling glowsticks and light-up toys. She wanted one and we said “no.” The parade was entertaining enough, but I knew she would love a glowstick, and it stung to see her disappointed face.

The next day at the park, our second and final day, I see a vendor with balloons for sale. And I just had to. To give her that surprise/gasp/squeal moment. To give her a token of appreciation for being so good the past two days. To show her love. To make her happy.

I wonder if money wasn’t a factor, if this would be harder or easier. I use the bank account as the reason for not giving her things, whether it’s the main excuse or not. The other reason is to not spoil her, to prepare her for the life lesson that you don’t always get what you want. I really don’t like being the one to have to teach her that lesson. I guess that’s the benefit of being a grandparent, giving without restrictions.

After Disney we went to the beach for a couple days to intentionally relax. We’re done with the kid thing, the beach is the grownup thing, right? If you ask her which was more fun, she would say Disney. But I know better.

My girl was born with sand in her toes. After a hesitant start when we arrived (feeling safe in the water and getting comfortable in the sand) she was a free spirit. The kind that is unfettered, fluid, imaginative. She fluttered like a butterfly from her sand castle, to the the water with her buckets, to looking for shells, to just running cause it feels good to run. She didn’t know she was having a good time. She wasn’t expected to or told this was going to be fun. It was completely natural… and I knew it. Nothing could draw my attention away from watching her. I knew I could give her the beach, and it would be the best present. That balloon stayed back in the hotel room, forgotten.

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I bet God wants to give us all the things. But as a father He knows what’s better for us than we do. We ask for Disney, balloons, glowsticks, money, no traffic, our team to win, stuff. Maybe He allows us to have those things sometimes. But He gives us the beach, if we’ll take the time to notice. He gives us leaves changing colors, music, family, worship, love, hope. Then… we stop to enjoy those gifts, unfettered from the mundane. He watches, and is satisfied in seeing us stumble into true happiness. And we thought we wanted glowsticks.

Dad Revelations

Dad Revelations: Cheater

The other morning just as we’re about to leave for school, my wife is getting my daughter’s backpack ready. We hadn’t looked at it over the weekend because it was her birthday, grandparents where in town, and… whatever… just didn’t get to it. Good thing though, because she pulled out a graded spelling test and in big scary red ink was the number “0” and the word “CHEAT.”

My first thought, honestly, was an instinctive reaction as if it was my paper and I was busted by my parents. Fear and trembling. Cold sweat. They’ll kill me or worse. Oh wait.

It’s not mine. YAY!

But I’m the parent now. Boo.

“Don’t freak out,” I tell myself. My wife wisely tells me to not address this now; we’ll talk after school. But silly me can’t not talk.

We drive to school and instead I ask her about the topic in general. “Do you know what cheating is? What does the teacher think?” She’s just now 8 years old. She understands the general concept of cheating, but more in the case of “cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater” when another kid cuts a corner in a race around the playground. Her explanation to me was that her study notes were in her desk and she was stuck on the biggest word, “frightening.” More of a curiosity thing than a heinous crime. Motive carries a little weight, but still… technically wrong.

The tables have been turned, and suddenly (for once in my life) I wasn’t the one who did wrong. I’m not in trouble! But obligated to do something here as a parent. I created this pretty little independent person and am responsible to give her life-lessons, discipline, goals. Parenting is hard. I think I’d rather be the kid, take the punishment and go play than be the one to figure out how to deal with this as a father. I’m sad, embarrassed, disappointed, and frustrated that I can’t just force her do what I know she should.

Forgive me for seeing the obvious God/human parallel here. He’s got to be so frustrated with us. Especially Christians who have said to God that we will follow Him, do what He asked us to do, but manage to screw it up – daily if not hourly. I wonder what God’s reaction is. Sad? Just a facepalm? Frustrated? Or does the All-knowing have the big picture in hand, sit back and patiently wait, hoping that the guidance He provided will be enough for us to make it through? This is where as a parent I can relate to the Israelite children and their back-n-forth drama. “We will follow the LORD! Hey, is that a golden calf? COOL!” Scary part is that overall I’ll simply put my parenting skills out there and hope for the best.

So what do I want out of my children?

I don’t expect them to be perfect. Impossible. Parenting is balancing act of forgiveness and consequences, all covered in love. Being perfect is not the goal.

I do want them to try. Judging on my initial reaction alone, I was less upset by the cheating paper than I was when she left most of the answers blank on another test. Imagine if every self-describing Christian lived an intentional life. Not a perfect life, just intentional. Purposefully trying to love God and love others.

I do want them to understand that not all rules are equal. If I have to yell at her to brush her teeth every.. single.. night.. for the rest of her time in this house, it will all be forgotten if at 18 she is still the same sweet, kind, sympathetic, friendly young woman, just like the 8 year old that I know now.

But… you still can’t cheat on your test when you’re 18 either.

Dad Revelations

Dad Revelations: Smiles

My son recognizes me. He is only three months old but he recognizes me, and has for some time. I know this because of his smile. He smiles at a few things:

When his sister does her squeaking baby talk;

Sometimes when his mobile moves above him;

When people make big faces in front of him;

And when I come home.

I don’t need to squeal, or throw him around, or make silly faces. He sees me, makes eye contact, and smiles. A big toothless, full-faced, bright-eyed smile.

Such a small, simple reaction and it completely draws me in. Every care and worry from the day has instantly been forgotten. Every other sound in the room is muffled. He’s not doing it to please me, not because he was told to, or by habit. He sees me, recognizes me, and he’s happy.

Every so often I have “dad revelation” and understand God a little more through my experiences as a father. So many things make sense now. Things that without having become a father myself I may have never fully grasped. This is one that hit home harder because it wasn’t just understanding why God does what He does, but it’s about me as a child.

When’s the last time I smiled at God? When have I recognized Him at some point during the day, and looked up with a big toothy, full-faced, bright-eyed smile? The concept is almost foreign to me. I look to Him in moments of desperation or extreme sadness. I recall more than a few situations where I’ve left the office upon hearing some distressing news and walked to a hidden spot in the parking garage and looked straight up to the sky, but I wasn’t smiling. On Sundays we sing about Him and to Him, but still at a distance. We pray almost as if we’re writing a letter in a bottle and send it sailing, hoping to hear a response someday. If we’re honest, we’re probably going to church more for the social aspect (which is still a good thing) and a nice worship boost to start the week. But do we have other moments where we just smile at Him? How would it make Him feel? What would it do for us?

I’m going to be more purposeful in recognizing when God works in my life, take time to appreciate Him and then show it. I can’t repay, and He wouldn’t expect me to. But I know how I feel when my baby boy wakes up in the morning, rubs his eyes, and focuses on me. So maybe I’ll just take a moment, for no better reason than the fact that God simply is who He is, look up…

and smile.