Jared Throneberry

Relive or Move Forward

For a number of years, I have been posting the same Facebook status on February 2nd. It’s a quote:

When Chekhov saw the long winter he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among you and basking in the warmth of your hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.

Then I post it again on Feb 3rd. Then again on Feb 4th. And so on until it’s not funny anymore.

If you haven’t caught on, it’s a quote from the movie Groundhog Day posted on Groundhog Day. The movie is about a guy who’s stuck reliving the same day over and over again. So, see what I did there?… with the Facebook status…? It’s hilarious, just trust me.

It begs the question about what would it be like to relive the same day over again? Maybe more specifically, if I could choose to relive the same day over, would I, and why? It an interesting mental exercise that’s given me a few ideas to munch on:

I’m not sure I’d want to relive a day

Feb 2nd this year wasn’t necessarily the best day. I was very busy, especially the pressure of making sure I posted my annual Facebook status (whew!). We had a big project roll out at work. I had a chamber lunch I was in charge of leading. BBBS gave us tickets to a Predators hockey game, so went with my “Little” but missed out on going home. The severe storms coming through didn’t help. Then the baby had a rough night sleeping.

If I were to be given the opportunity to go back and relive that day, I don’t think I would take it. It was fine; it wasn’t disastrous. But there’s nothing that I feel compelled to go back and fix. Nothing worth experiencing again.

Happenstance

My dad isn’t necessarily known for wise proverbs, but one frequent phrase I remember more than any is, “that’s life.” Maybe it was more like, “well (chuckle)… that’s life, son.” As annoying as it is to hear when you’re a teenager, unfortunately, there’s wisdom in those two words. Life is going to happen whether you like it or not. If you attempted to relive a day, mishaps you didn’t anticipate might occur, and they probably will because… that’s life.

As fun as it is to think that you could go back and re-do a day better, who’s to say that you won’t stub your toe getting out of bed this time around? Then that stupid toe is driving you crazy, hijacking your ability to perfect your former actions. (I specifically use ‘stub your toe’ in honor of my wife who… how should I say this?… has poor pedal extremity spatial awareness.)

It’s never as good the second time around

You know when you get this delicious, juicy, perfectly grilled bacon cheeseburger, and it’s so good you go get a second one. We’ve all done this, right? And the first bite of the second one is great, but by the time you finish, you feel miserable (but still a happy miserable.) It’s rarely as good the second time around.

The restaurant that was good, but now you’re sick of. The movie that was hilarious the first time, and moderately pleasant the second. Most things have an expiration date, or at least, limitations on the number of uses.

You don’t know the alternative outcomes

If I had to pick an event to relive, it may be when I attempted to give my now-wife our first kiss. I’ll spare you the details unless you want to know, but it could’ve gone better. BUT WHO KNOWS?! It was early in our relationship, maybe going back to try again would throw off the line of events to follow, i.e. the Butterfly Effect. Many great stories are told emphasizing the strange path that took them to an unforeseen but positive conclusion. Maybe it would be better, maybe it wouldn’t. Even in the worst possible scenario that you’d like to go back and change, you could feasibly come up with an outcome that would be even worse (as horrible as that might be.)

So on that high note…

Stop looking back

Of course, this concept is all fantasy. The past is going to stay right where it is and nothing can change it. Looking back and worrying about what happened is worthless. A small amount of time to evaluate mistakes can be helpful, but dwelling on it is ill-advised and wasteful.

Make it right

Some of my best consumer experiences have been when someone took a bad situation and went above-and-beyond to make up for it. If yesterday was bad, you have the opportunity to not only overcome, but capitalize on a chance to turn it around.

If you really screwed up, don’t let foolish pride get the best of you. There is a certain wholeness that can only be found through an apology.

Don’t leave it to chance

Few of us realize how much power we hold to make an impact. We have the capacity to make a difference in our own lives and the lives of those around us. Allowing days to pass us by without appreciating this ability is pure waste. Forget yesterday and take advantage of the clean slate in front of you.

Moving Forward

Life is not a pencil where you can erase your mistakes or a computer where you can go back and edit. It’s more like a pen. When you write, if you mess up, there’s nothing you can do about it. But you keep on writing because the story isn’t finished yet. And the best stories are full of ups and downs. Learn from mistakes; cherish awesome days.

Mercies are new every morning.

About Me, Motivation, Public Speaking

Thinking Lowly of Myself

A couple weeks ago I was fortunate enough to get a one-on-one meeting with a professional public speaker. We grabbed a cup of coffee and swapped stories and pleasantries for couple hours, touching on what the next steps would be for me to get booked to speak. He ended by saying “Jared, you’re a great speaker, I’ve seen your video. Very personable and engaging. You’ve also got plenty of stories and life experiences to work with here. You’re going to be great.”

One would think that would be enough. Enough encouragement to knock this out of the park. Enough to pick up a phone and get started. One would think…

It’s not that I don’t believe him. It’s not whether I believe in myself. (Well, apparently it is by looking at my actions, but not in my head). I’ve spent the past few months doing research, evaluating how other speakers work. I’ll watch keynote speeches in the same genre I’m looking at doing and think, “Pshh, I could do better than that.” Or worse I’ll critique, or dismiss, or be annoyed, and tell myself that I’m totally good enough.

But here’s the difference: they’re doing it and I’m not. I’m nothing more than an ignorant, illiterate big-mouth ranting on youtube.

I looked up a website of an acquaintance who is putting himself out there as a speaker for hire. Once again, I critiqued many of the things, this time out loud to my wife. I said, “even though some of it comes across as fake, my own problem is that I’m not publicizing myself as a legitimate speaker.” She said, “YES! You won’t even let people know you have a blog. You don’t tell people about being a speaker. You don’t talk about it. And your intro on the blog is all [in a whiny voice] ‘who would even hire poor me.'”

Never one to mince words, she was spot on this time. And I listened because she’s also my biggest encourager. But in the same way that she thinks I wear rose-colored glasses when I compliment her looks, I can’t help but second-guess her words. I’ve had plenty of encouragers in my life, people who champion me. Inside I’m hoping for it, love it when it happens, then play it off as if I don’t.

This is how I’ve always been. This weird dichotomy between wanting attention and shying away; thinking highly and lowly of myself, extroverted and introverted. It has never been a real issue because I haven’t had to stick my neck out. But I want to now. So basically, I need to do something in spite of myself.

I’d say the one time I did was when I ran for city council. I didn’t like it, but I loved it. Something akin to jumping off the high-dive for the first time. “That was fun. Let’s do it again!”

Have you ever spoken to a doctor or executive who seemed to just not get it? “But he’s the doctor; why do I feel like I understand and he doesn’t?” If I have learned anything from my various experiences, it’s that people are just people. There are phenomenal people who are not living up to their potential, and others who I can not fathom how in this big, unfair, upside-down world they made it to their esteemed position. This is where I think, “why couldn’t it be me?”

So I’m just going to go for it, a little at a time. Each day closer than the day before.

There’s a line between fake-it-till-you-make-it and complete exaggeration. It’s not that I’m humble, it’s more that I don’t want to come across as arrogant. I need to find the balance between potential-me and pathetic-me.

In a small step in the right direction, let’s start with this blog’s “About Me.” This is just a journal, not a professional site (it’s coming), so rather than this former opening:

I am an aspiring public speaker, without a speech. Oh sure, I could conjure up a 5-7 minute, 3-point, heart-wrenching, moral-to-the-story speech on request, but why would someone want to hire me to stand in front of their company (org, banquet, conference, church, youth group, school) and talk? That’s what this blog is for: to help me find what I have to say that’s worth hearing. Maybe after a while I’ll step back, look at this blog, and my platform will be staring right back at me. Here’s hoping…

I’m going to write a new one that at least doesn’t sound pitiful:

I bring motivation and inspiration by speaking to non-profits, youth groups, churches, civic organizations, and businesses. I’ve been an accomplished leader and speaker in Toastmasters for eight years as well as a semi-finalist in the World Championship of Public Speaking. Through this blog, I hope to put my thoughts on paper and narrow the focus of my speaking platform.

Consider this another baby step taken.

Motivation

Obey Your Thirst

Our church had a men’s retreat with the theme “Obey Your Thirst.” I was asked to do a devotional and was happy to have a speaking opportunity. So the following is that “speech.”

“Obey Your Thirst” is an imperative statement, telling you to do something. It first assumes that you have a Thirst: the thing that you should be doing or want to be doing. Second it assumes that you are not doing it. OBEY your thirst. You have a thirst, now go do something about it!

Yeah, but….

“Yeah, but..” It’s the beginning of a phrase that blocked millions of great things from happening.
Conquer your goals. Yeah! But..
Humble yourself and apologize. Yeeaah… but..
Make friends with that lonely person. Yeah, but..

This one happen to me recently, we had a new employee that didn’t fit the young millennial demographic of my IT dept. He was a little older, of Indian descent (I think), English as a second language. So against my will, I struck up a conversation with him in the break room. Something about drinking lemon water. The next day I was the only one he said “Hello!” to coming in to work. He would awkwardly stand at my desk attempting conversation. I would feel compelled to stick with him in social settings when I’d rather be with others. (This is middle school kind of stuff, isn’t it?) It was a horrible selfish feeling, wanting to be nice but not the side effects. But hey, he quit after 3 weeks, so I guess I caught a break there. But next time this scenario comes up, I’ll have my excuse trump card ready to use. Remember how weird it was last time?

We men love excuses. All the way from the beginning of time. Adam: yeah but the woman gave me the fruit. Moses: yeah but they won’t listen to me, and I can’t speak well. Jeremiah: yeah but I’m too young and can’t speak well either. That excuse didn’t work for Moses, didn’t work for Jeremiah either.

The most legitimate reason to use an excuse is when it’s true or real. Maybe in that case, it’s not an excuse as much as it is an obstacle or hurdle to overcome. But whether you’re telling yourself that it’s scary, or boring, or not worth your time, if you really thirst to live like Jesus, then you need to recognize your excuses and deal with them.

In John 9, Jesus heals a blind man, and both are faced with various obstacles. This story may not really be about Obeying your Thirst, but I’d like to go through the passage a little at a time and examine the different obstacles and how they could have been used as excuses, or what we might do or say if a similar situation happened in our life. So see if you can relate to any of these situations when life gets in the way and you have a decision on whether or not to obey your thirst.

1 As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.

There. Already. An opportunity to use an excuse.

Excuse: I was born this way. This is just who I am. This is how it’s always been.

2 And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?”

Those that will try and trick you, confuse you, deceive you. Jesus had a number of ways he could have dealt with this situation.

Excuse: They’ll second-guess me. I’ll be questioned.

3 Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

When something bad happens to us, how many times do we say “poor pitiful me” instead of “how can I use this to glorify God?”

4 We must work the works of Him who sent Me as long as it is day; night is coming when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the Light of the world.” 6 When He had said this, He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and applied the clay to his eyes, 7 and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam”

He slapped mud on this dude’s face.

Excuse: It’s different from what I’m used to. It’s uncharacteristic, unorthodox.

So he went away and washed, and came back seeing. 8 Therefore the neighbors, and those who previously saw him as a beggar, were saying, “Is not this the one who used to sit and beg?” 9 Others were saying, “This is he,” still others were saying, “No, but he is like him.”

Excuse: There will be Arguments, Deniers. No one believes me. No one believes in me.

He kept saying, “I am the one.” 10 So they were saying to him, “How then were your eyes opened?”

Excuse: People will question me. Question my motives, question my intentions.

11 He answered, “The man who is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes, and said to me, ‘Go to Siloam and wash’; so I went away and washed, and I received sight.” 12 They said to him, “Where is He?” He said, “I do not know.”
13 They brought to the Pharisees the man who was formerly blind. 14 Now it was a Sabbath on the day when Jesus made the clay and opened his eyes. 15 Then the Pharisees also were asking him again how he received his sight.

People being persistent. Nagging, bothering. Are you being stubborn? How many times have you not done something simply because you were asked to do it more than once? (e.g. Honey, were you going to take out the trash?)

And he said to them, “He applied clay to my eyes, and I washed, and I see.”16 Therefore some of the Pharisees were saying, “This man is not from God, because He does not keep the Sabbath.”

When religion gets in the way.

Excuse: Others will argue about my religion/practice. Difference in opinion.

But others were saying, “How can a man who is a sinner perform such signs?” And there was a division among them.

Association with a certain group.

Excuse: What will others think of me? “You’re one of them.”

17 So they said to the blind man again, “What do you say about Him, since He opened your eyes?” And he said, “He is a prophet.”

Excuse: They will demand proof/answers. I will be questioned later.

18 The Jews then did not believe it of him, that he had been blind and had received sight, until they called the parents of the very one who had received his sight, 19 and questioned them, saying, “Is this your son, who you say was born blind? Then how does he now see?”

Pulling family into it.

Excuse: It will affect my kids/spouse.

20 His parents answered them and said, “We know that this is our son, and that he was born blind; 21 but how he now sees, we do not know; or who opened his eyes, we do not know. Ask him; he is of age, he will speak for himself.”

Excuse: Laziness, not willing to get involved.

22 His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jews; for the Jews had already agreed that if anyone confessed Him to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue.

Excuse: Fear. Uphill battle. Going against people who have made up their minds.

23 For this reason his parents said, “He is of age; ask him.” 24 So a second time they called the man who had been blind, and said to him, “Give glory to God; we know that this man is a sinner.” 25 He then answered, “Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.” 26 So they said to him, “What did He do to you? How did He open your eyes?” 27 He answered them, “I told you already and you did not listen; why do you want to hear it again? You do not want to become His disciples too, do you?” 28 They reviled him and said, “You are His disciple, but we are disciples of Moses. 29 We know that God has spoken to Moses, but as for this man, we do not know where He is from.”

Excuse: People with a different viewpoint.

30 The man answered and said to them, “Well, here is an amazing thing, that you do not know where He is from, and yet He opened my eyes. 31 We know that God does not hear sinners; but if anyone is God-fearing and does His will, He hears him. 32 Since the beginning of time it has never been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a person born blind. 33 If this man were not from God, He could do nothing.”

The blind man’s theology isn’t perfect but he didn’t let it keep him back.

Excuse: Not smart enough. Afraid of Embarrassment.

34 They answered him, “You were born entirely in sins, and are you teaching us?” So they put him out.

Excuse: Being dismissed. Being ignored.

35 Jesus heard that they had put him out, and finding him, He said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?”

Excuse: Ignoring God when He is speaking to you.

36 He answered, “Who is He, Lord, that I may believe in Him?” 37 Jesus said to him, “You have both seen Him, and He is the one who is talking with you.” 38 And he said, “Lord, I believe.” And he worshiped Him.

What’s your thirst? Andy Stanley said it this way: rather than asking what are your resolutions, or goals, instead what is it that breaks your heart? That’s your thirst. What’s that thing that bothers you or keeps you up at night? What could you be doing about it? Why aren’t you? What’s your excuse?

Here are a few takeaways I gathered from this story on how to overcome excuses.

Use Discernment
Jesus at the beginning knew he was being attacked and had to be intentional with how it was approached.
Many of you know that we have been foster parents, and will be again someday. That’s our thirst. But we’re not doing it now for various “excuses” if you will, including having a new baby. When asked in the past to take a foster child, we steer away from those with sexual abuse or who may be potentially physically abusive, all to protect our own family/kids. We’re using the best discernment we can while still obeying our thirst honestly. There are certain precautions you can take that aren’t necessarily excuses.

Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing
The Pharisees were so focused on keeping their way of life going, that they missed God being right in front of them. In a bind, see if one way or the other can hold up to a litmus test against a verse or two:
Mark 12: 30-31 Love God, Love Others as yourself
Micah 6:8 Seek Justice, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly with your God
Philippians 4:8 Whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, commendable

Keep Your Eyes on Jesus
The blind man got sick of the drama and you see a complete change in his language when he finally sees Jesus. Don’t lose focus of what the ultimate goal is: to love others the way God loves us through your specific passion.

Stick to What You Know
It’s probably not as complicated as you want to make it. It’s probably not as bad as you fear it might be. Most likely you know what it is you should be doing anyway. Obey your thirst. It’s your purpose. It’s why you were created. When pressed, the blind man stuck to what he knew: “Here is an amazing thing, that you do not know where He is from, and yet He opened my eyes. If this man were not from God, He could do nothing. The one thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.”

Motivation, Public Speaking

Jus’… do it

As reiterated millions of times, one of the most familiar and long-standing marketing slogans in the history of slogans is Nike’s “Just do it.” As parents, we use this phrase almost as many times as we ask kids to do something. And not in a Shia LaBeouf kind of way, but more in an exhausted manner. Slightly slurred with a hint of desperation and inferred begging: jus’… doit.

The same tone I whisper to myself when the alarm goes off (on the 3rd snooze). When I have to go talk to someone I really don’t want to go talk to. Sitting in the car, before you turn the key, dreading your destination.

Sometimes it’s used with the opposite motivation. “I shouldn’t have a cookie. But it looks so good. I told myself I wouldn’t. Oh, they have white chocolate macadamia nut. Stop staring, just do it.”

I wonder how many things we could accomplish by just doing whatever it is we’ve been contemplating. In quitting smoking, it’s called going Cold Turkey. But really you just finally made the decision to do it. One of the only times in high school where I actually called a girl to ask her out was under the influence of “just do it,” surrounded with encouraging phrases, like

“at least it won’t kill you”

“no one else has to know”

“it’s over the phone so you can still save face”

“worst she can say is no… or is it???”

But really, I got sick of my pathetic-ness and dialed. Her mom answered and said she was out of town for the rest of the summer. See! It didn’t kill me and no one has to know, till now. I don’t even remember her name. But I did it! Sort of.

Fast forward to now. My wife decided to make healthier food choices in January. For her sake and my own, I decided to do it with her. The past couple months I pretty much gave up doing anything healthy because the holidays are a minefield of temptations. Office parties, potlucks, Christmas cookies, my famous Christmas Punch, Salted Caramel Lattes, I could go on. And I did. Many times. And it was glorious.

But it put me up to an all time high weight. Knowing that the problem was my substandard food choices, I knew all I had to do was cut out bread and sugar and it would make a significant difference. So on New Years Eve I drank my last Sun Drop, and stuffed myself with junk food. One last hurrah! Then went back out to get another Sun Drop. One more last Hurrah! Then… it was the weekend.

Oh no. The weekend. I didn’t factor this in to the equation. We typically hit restaurants in the time between the food at home running out and Sunday night’s grocery trip. Oh the temptations! Qdoba, Wendy’s, Zaxby’s (Zax sauce), and they all have those new 100 flavor touch-screen Coke machines. So what did I do?

I just did it. The healthier choice that is. Seriously. It’s a coke. How utterly pathetic am I if I can’t say no to a drink choice? Just do it. I got a salad each time instead of a sandwich. It’s not difficult. At all. I’ve lost 5 pounds in a week. Good grief, just do it.

My wife worked as an Meeting Planner at NASA in Cape Canaveral, visited a friend’s office once and asked what he was working on. “Well…. we’re trying to figure out how to get to Mars.” OK. That’s difficult. It is NOT difficult to overcome discouragement when comparing the communion juice cup sized free water to the movie-themed, free-refills, 32oz “medium” cup. Anything that could be categorized as a First World Problem is not difficult.

Maybe this falls in line with the modern day, catered, spoiled brat syndrome (that’s a medical term). We like to dramatize everything to the point where it feels just as hard, but it’s not. I’ve been dragging my feet with this Public Speaking idea for about a year and a half. Ever since I won the District contest and had the thought that maybe, just maybe I’m actually good enough. If you want something, you have to ask for it, right? Just do it. So I did at the easiest of opportunities, the chamber meeting where I’m a member, the church’s men’s retreat, our Toastmaster meetings (anything counts), and others I’m queuing up. Idea is to always have a speech scheduled ahead of me to be working on. Progress is happening. Cause I’m a genius? Cause of all the podcasts? Cause of a how-to guide? No. I just did it.

Two caveats: (aren’t there always)

First. Yes of course there are real problems that might take something extra to accomplish. Actual serious addictions. Medical factors. Rare opportunistic situations. Obviously not every want can be instantaneous.

Second. I’ve been endlessly listening to podcasts, lectures, and interviews for the past few weeks. Once in a while there’s a nugget of info that sticks with me. One today was to combine the undesirable thing you should do with something you want to do, like only watch your favorite show while on the treadmill (credit: Christine Carter). That’s a neat idea. There’s nothing wrong with finding an avenue, or a gimmick, or an app that helps get it done. Just do it!

So try this experiment. Find the smallest possible change you would want to make. Going to bed on time. One less coffee. Not looking at your phone during church. Then do it. It’s downright silly how empowering it is to overcome the most menial challenge. Congrats, you get a gold star.

NO! You do not get a gold star! JUST DO IT, you baby!

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to yell… *sigh*

jus’… do it

Dad Revelations

Dad Revelations: Grace

The floors of our house were thin ice for a while. Our daughter has been getting upset easily – she’ll go from 0 to 100 in a second. Mostly just typical kid tantrums. I’ve been less patient. Once in a blue moon will I have such a bad day that I take it home with me. Those days have been happening more frequently. My wife has a lot on her plate and it’s usually the external forces that will set her off: hunger, stress, lack of sleep. When you have a baby, those things seem to pile up.

In times like these, your first instinct is not to think it’s all just you and the mood you’re in. The first thing is you blaming them for how they’re acting. I give my daughter no wiggle room. If she doesn’t do it the first time, then she’s being deliberately disobedient. If my wife is bothered by anything, then I’m annoyed that she’s annoyed. I blame her; she blames me…

and that’s how the fight began. Just kidding. Kinda.

Then later through a Facebook conversation I realized that I have a double standard with my family. My wife casually made a self-deprecating comment, “no one mistakes me for being a perfectionist.” All in good fun, but I took offense to the idea that someone else would be critical of her.

Compare that to all the times, the day before even, where I’m personally critical of her. Typically it comes across as me having expectations of her that she doesn’t meet. I set the bar high. In my subconscious I expect her to be happy, fed, productive, helpful, etc. The same goes for my daughter: polite, well-behaved, focused. Humans just don’t work like that.

I have no idea what they went through today. You’ve had those days that a snide look, a snarky comment, or a long meeting just sets you off? Well, how many times did my wife lose sleep for a crying baby? How many times did she get taken off track today cause he was fussy? There are the postpartum issues that make a mother feel inadequate, judged, or an all out failure. Can I even put myself in the shoes of my daughter who has seen a change in neighborhoods, schools, churches, friends and now a new brother? I diminish her feelings of loss and use the old-school “get over it” technique.

Still I have busy schedules, work drama, or car issues that I carry home and expect them to understand my dilemma. Why can’t they just give me a little grace?

Why can’t I see that all they need is a little grace?

Truth is this blog has taken me over a month to finish because every time I want to publish it we’ve had another dramatic episode. And if I wrote it with this polished solution, I’d feel like a hypocrite knowing that I haven’t perfected it yet. But hey, could you give me a little grace? No one’s perfect, right?

I can’t help but think of God’s grace for us. We have no right to stand in His presence, yet grace covers us. In fact, we expect it of Him. I’m OK cause I know “His grace reaches me.” Jesus came to display it in action. Time and time again showing grace to those who least ‘deserved’ it (note: you won’t ever deserve it, that’s why it’s grace).

So here He is: our model, our example, our blueprint. Take a second to compare the unwarranted grace you’ve been given and try, just try to do the same.

Rewritten: I need to take a second to compare the grace I’ve been given and try to do the same.

“But I’m right, and they’re wrong.”

“But I’m not being understood.”

“But they’re being critical.”

“But they’re disobedient.”

“But they started it.”

Yeah. So? Wouldn’t you want grace extended to you? You think they should because you know exactly what you’ve gone through. The bad day you’ve had. But they’re not going to understand, even if you try to explain it. In that case, show them grace. Don’t expect it. It’s vital from both directions.

Grace shouldn’t be given only when it feels justified. It’s an unwarranted, unexpected, unselfish gift.

Mentoring

Do Something

I messaged my friend yesterday to give my condolences for losing someone he knew. A victim of gun violence. Another victim from a public housing complex downtown where this happens way too often. Do a search for the name of the complex and the results are a chronological listing of crime reports and news headlines. The shooting happened over a petty argument between two groups. Then someone grabbed a gun and shot twice.

You may have read that and sighed. My guess is that if you are picturing the victim in your mind already, you may be wrong.

The victim was a 14 year old girl. And one that was intelligent, sweet, involved, a leader, giving and thoughtful. One with an otherwise bright future. My friend was one of her mentors. Senseless violence is an understatement in this scenario. Even more so that the shooter was another girl that just turned 18.

Both are victims of our culture that seems to either allow or perpetuate this angry, prideful lifestyle more than try to change it. After any violent event there may be protests or talking heads demanding whatever it is they demand, but whatever they’re asking for isn’t working. Homicides in Nashville, after years of decline, have doubled this year. All of us are getting worked-up, scared, or cynical with this 24-hour, nation-wide news at our fingertips spewing today’s latest tragedy.

Even so, hearts haven’t changed.

It’s the only type of change that will actually make a difference, and the hardest one to make happen. Well, it is if you’re thinking of it on a grand scale. Maybe it’s my own cynicism but laws and national programs aren’t going to make a dent. But see, there’s this one person headed for a disastrous event. Could you give them hope, support, encouragement?

This 14 year old girl had that encouragement and hope. In an interview she said she dreamed of being a nurse, basketball player, or actress. She was known as a leader in her after school programs. When asked if she could change one thing in the world, what would it be? And in the worst twist of fate she answered “my neighborhood.”

Her path was on the right track. Her story was supposed to end better than this. She had people in her life giving her direction. My thoughts instead turn to the shooter. I wonder if her life was filled with the same words? If not, how did she fall through the cracks? Who could have stepped up and made that difference in her life? One where she might have at least given a second thought to finding a weapon to resolve her issues. Whether she found a gun, knife, stick, or fist, her heart was stubborn and cold.

It’s not good enough to simply be sad about this. It’s does this little girl’s life no justice to just get upset that it happened. If no one makes a tangible step, then the only expectation is that this will happen again tomorrow. (And surprise, it did).

This story shook me. I think it’s because of my “Little.” Over a year ago I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters for this very reason. I was frustrated. My choices were to remain frustrated, become apathetic, or do something. So I joined and they matched me with a bright, introverted, sweet kid. He’s also 14 years old. He lives near where the shooter lived.

The last time I dropped him off, a group of smaller kids were upset that his brother was hit (probably by accident) and one of them said “You gonna beat him up?!” I stayed a while to make sure it wasn’t serious, and it wasn’t. But I flashed back to that moment as soon as I heard about this girl. I don’t want the same thing to happen to my Little. I can help him, but who’s out there helping the other kids that he’s going to interact with? Who’s breaking the cycle for his shooter? (I got chills writing that question.)

You have to do something. All of this drama is meaningless. Why get upset? Why watch the news? Why pretend that you care if you don’t do something? Love without action is pointless. Don’t even call it Love.

We all have our various talents and interests, so the details of what we do are not going to look the same, but might I give a few (local) options:

Mentor. Big Brothers Big Sisters, Boys/Girls Clubs, Youth Encouragement Services

Foster Care. Agape, Bethany

Homeless: Nashville Rescue Mission. Many opportunities there.

Abused: Thistle Farms

After school programs

Your local church, and not just “going to church”. <- (See pointless above)

At the very least, donate. Items or money. You could donate specifically for the girl in this story (I didn’t want to be exploitative by using her name.) As long as you keep in mind that a donation is to assist the people making a difference, and that you having a personal relationship with someone has the strongest impact.

Be engaged with your own neighbors. Be a decent person in general, for Pete’s sake! Why is it rare to simply be polite and conversational in public?

There are countless other organizations. The opportunity is there. The need is most definitely there.

Our choral director in college would say, after a weekend trip working with youth groups, “You never know the good that you do.” He would hear the comments and get the emails from the host church, and share a few with us later on. Stories we otherwise wouldn’t have known. Impact we wouldn’t have known. Remembering that phrase helps cure my apathy. Think if by some domino effect you have already saved a life, and you just never knew the good that you did.

If you make an impact on one life, you have made all the difference to them.

Honor this girl’s life. Do something.

Dad Revelations

Dad Revelations: Giving

We just got back from vacation to the “happiest place on earth,” Disney World. My daughter is 8 years old; prime age for princesses, magic, all the rides, all the stores, everything! She’s a great kid, very polite and understanding. She gets all giddy-excited at the sight of anything remotely fun. From a dad’s perspective, it’s perfect. I don’t dread it. I’m happy because she’s happy.

When you become a parent, you instinctively care more about your child’s happiness than your own. And you’re OK with it! Their happiness IS your happiness. You want to give them things that make them happy. And being at Disney, I want to give her EVERYTHING!

I’m also cheap, so the temptation doesn’t last long. We watched the parade at night where all the floats are lit up in dramatic neon fashion. Of course five minutes before the parade, vendors are walking through the crowds selling glowsticks and light-up toys. She wanted one and we said “no.” The parade was entertaining enough, but I knew she would love a glowstick, and it stung to see her disappointed face.

The next day at the park, our second and final day, I see a vendor with balloons for sale. And I just had to. To give her that surprise/gasp/squeal moment. To give her a token of appreciation for being so good the past two days. To show her love. To make her happy.

I wonder if money wasn’t a factor, if this would be harder or easier. I use the bank account as the reason for not giving her things, whether it’s the main excuse or not. The other reason is to not spoil her, to prepare her for the life lesson that you don’t always get what you want. I really don’t like being the one to have to teach her that lesson. I guess that’s the benefit of being a grandparent, giving without restrictions.

After Disney we went to the beach for a couple days to intentionally relax. We’re done with the kid thing, the beach is the grownup thing, right? If you ask her which was more fun, she would say Disney. But I know better.

My girl was born with sand in her toes. After a hesitant start when we arrived (feeling safe in the water and getting comfortable in the sand) she was a free spirit. The kind that is unfettered, fluid, imaginative. She fluttered like a butterfly from her sand castle, to the the water with her buckets, to looking for shells, to just running cause it feels good to run. She didn’t know she was having a good time. She wasn’t expected to or told this was going to be fun. It was completely natural… and I knew it. Nothing could draw my attention away from watching her. I knew I could give her the beach, and it would be the best present. That balloon stayed back in the hotel room, forgotten.

————–

I bet God wants to give us all the things. But as a father He knows what’s better for us than we do. We ask for Disney, balloons, glowsticks, money, no traffic, our team to win, stuff. Maybe He allows us to have those things sometimes. But He gives us the beach, if we’ll take the time to notice. He gives us leaves changing colors, music, family, worship, love, hope. Then… we stop to enjoy those gifts, unfettered from the mundane. He watches, and is satisfied in seeing us stumble into true happiness. And we thought we wanted glowsticks.

Public Speaking

Prepare To Be Bored

Our Executive Director was out of town for the last Chamber of Commerce meeting and asked me to preside over the monthly luncheon. No biggie, and I was a little more excited than most would be since I’m actively looking for speaking opportunities. Of course this is no inspirational tear-jerker, simply running a meeting. So I brushed it off… maybe a little too much.

All I did to prepare was copy/paste bios about the day’s guest speaker as well as a couple new member businesses, then check to see if there were any upcoming events (there weren’t). Being the “accomplished speaker” that I am, I dismissed reviewing the info or practicing. Mistake #1. And pretty much the only mistake that mattered.

I showed up without much time to spare, especially considering I was needed to help setup the A/V equipment. Left no time to meet the guests or gather my thoughts. I opened without any fanfare, without inspiration or even a catchy one-liner. I read the bios for each member, quickly realizing that I had not read through this…. at all! There were incomplete sentences that I stumbled over. Stuff they wrote that didn’t make any sense. But even the sentences I didn’t screw up I simply regurgitated without any flare. Realizing the sticky situation, I got more nervous and naturally tried to rush through the rest. It was straight and tedious and…

boring! It was boring. I bored myself. Honestly, ask anyone at that lunch to name one person I introduced or any fact about them. I bet they couldn’t. I COULDN’T. I literally couldn’t tell you what I, myself, just read.

On top of that, I neglected to get a volunteer for the pledge or invocation, so I did it myself. So now I’m boring and hogging the stage. Maybe this is overreacting. But I’m holding myself to this standard. I’m better than this. Anyone could be better than this. Grab a guy off the side of the road on the way, give him 30 minutes to prepare and it would’ve been better.

There is never an excuse for not preparing. (double negative?) You should always prepare no matter the situation. (better?) It encompasses so many other aspects of speaking. When you prepare, you unconsciously think about pace, posture, content, order, audience, reception, etc, etc. Just now I happened to click on a tweet about 10 Tips to Improve Your Public Speaking. There are thousands of these types of lists online, but as far as this one goes I’m not sure I did any of them. I may have smiled, #8. At least I think I did. Still, if this was a graded speech, then I got a 10%.

You can even prepare for impromptu situations. If you knew you would be called on at the next business meeting, you’d at least review the topic ahead of time. I’ve been through dozens of these luncheons before and could have easily given thought to how I would do it. Simply showing up early and being “on guard” is a step toward mentally preparing, whether or not you’re asked to utter a single word.

As for this time, I squandered a perfectly good opportunity to practice while simultaneously doing a disservice to the community. (Points for multitasking!) I’ll take the 10% grade for a lesson learned.

Public Speaking

Learning to say No

I am a Yes-Man to a fault. It’s so bad that I don’t even have to be asked to do something, I seem to just find myself getting involved. Sure it comes across as me helping, volunteering, or working hard. Makes me look good. But let’s be honest, sometimes it’s just my attention-needy ego. I don’t want to let people down by saying “No,” and I enjoy the occasional adoration by saying “Yes.” Being a Yes-Man will blow up in your face at some point. My time peaked around spring of 2014. I had a Full-time job, church drama, chamber of commerce, neighborhood association, a kid, kid’s school, wife, social media manager, foster care, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Semi-Finalist for World Championship of Public Speaking, and running for City Council. I list those things not to gloat (see narcissism above), but to show just how ridiculous I was in thinking I could actually do all those things well. I would advise you to not live your life in a similar fashion. In a culture where we’re deceived into thinking more is better, this is not the case, and here are a few reasons:

First, you will fail in all categories to a degree. There are 24 hours in the day. Mathematically there is only so much you can do. It is impossible to do everything you want to do; or in my case, everything I agreed to doing. To compensate, I tried to keep all the plates spinning in the air at the same time. Five minutes here, 20 minutes there. Never giving my full attention to any of the categories.

(I just indirectly called my wife a “category.” These accidents tend to happen when you over do it.)

As a result, you end up neglecting one of the items. I would try to squeeze everything in, or do double-duty. I’d practice my speech while knocking on doors for the council race. My mind was constantly on the race while at work. I would spend my after-work hours campaigning instead of being home. Then the next day I’d feel guilty for being away, and stay at home when I really should be out shaking hands and kissing babies. In the end, I lost the race but at least my wife’s happy, so draw your own conclusions. (Side note: my go-to joke while running was that I was out “kissing hands and shaking babies.” Yeah, don’t say anything, I know…)

Another risk is that you might lose respect or credibility. I don’t think I did with anyone, but I was on the verge. Sounds like the plot of a sitcom, where the main character tries to manage two dates simultaneously, hilarity ensues, but he ends up hurting both women. At any point someone might call your bluff, or at least demand the full amount promised. If that happened to me, I would have come up short. My forgiving wife was the only one to know how under water I really was.

Lastly, you’re not focused on what you really want to do. I can look at that list see that I should have dropped at least four of those things. I need a job, I love my family, after that…. what do I really want to do? If I removed the obligations, the social pressure, the ego, if I really could just do one of the things and do it well, which would it be?

To say “No” can be selfless. If you really can’t live up to the expectations or just don’t want to, be honest and allow the person asking to find someone who can. I was asked to be an officer for our local Toastmasters club, this was as my son was about to be born, so I said No. The current leadership is doing great and over the past few months I’ve realized how I can help the club in other ways. Participation in regular meetings is always a struggle and that’s totally something I can do. I’ve decided that I’m going to pursue getting a DTM (Distinguished Toastmaster accreditation) instead as part of my steps toward Public Speaking. Look! I said “No” and everything is OK! No one hates me, and we’re all better for it.

I suppose I ended up answering the “which would it be?” question for myself. It took buying a new house in a different county which forced me out of neighborhood roles, and having a baby gave me an excuse to slow everything else down. So here I am, testing the waters on public speaking. And loving every success and stumble (I stumbled today, more on that next time….)

Public Speaking, Social media

Steps, not goals

I despise goals. Even though it seems to be the key factor in any “Be Successful!” book or lecture, no matter the topic. A slick public speaker will convince you goals are necessary. Vague yet inspirational quotes will be used against you. Then when a quote is utilized, it’s only to prod you to do the next thing: make goals. But I don’t wanna. I’ll admit this is a preference and some people are inspired and motivated by them.

To me they are far-fetched. Depending on the range, it’s either unrealistic or narrow-minded. I hate the overall concept. Questions like “Where do see yourself in ten years?” Ugh. Nevermind the fact that in any previous ten-year increment, I would have guessed wrong.

(That’s cause you didn’t have goals!)

Touché. But I like where I ended up, so maybe goals would’ve been worse! D’you ever think about that?

It’s all a speculation to a degree. Seven years ago there’s no way my wife and I would’ve said a second baby is in the future. But here he is. Quite real and 100% without regret or goals. I could have never plotted on a map what my ten years at NASBA would look like. A year or so into my first entry level position, I was determined to end up in Communications or Marketing. Why wouldn’t it? My degree is in Marketing. That’s what they told me would happen in college.

Speaking of college: I had the same anti-goal attitude then. It was half-way through my junior year when my Adviser forced me to make a decision on a major. I enjoyed all kinds of topics and classes. Had any course, professor, or grade been different I might have ended up in Bible, Psychology, Music, Accounting, or Computer Science. My lame (passive, pleaser, indecisive) way of choosing was that Marketing seemed to incorporate any or all of the other topics, depending on how you swing it, so that was it. I will be an Accounting-minded Internet Marketer for the Psychology of Biblical Music. Perfect. Now to make a list of goals to get there.

Well…. not before we up and move to Florida to live on the beach for a while! My real-life proverbial slap in the face at Goals. It ended up being the “best… decision… ever” (quoting my wife just now).

BUT… while I’m realistic enough to know that I can’t just make the impossible happen because of goals, I also can’t sit on the beach and wait for blessings to fall from the sky and land in my lap. I’ve considered this dilemma in regards to wanting to do public speaking. It’s something I’m curious about, but don’t necessarily want to jump all in right now and make that goal happen! So what if I eased into it intentionally on a regular basis? Similar to my mantra about Christian living: you may have a goal to love God and love others, but it means nothing if you don’t actually do it on a day to day basis.

I think of what Dave Ramsey is known most for, the Baby Steps. You could call those goals, but actually the goal is getting out of debt, the baby steps along the way are what gets you there. In the case of Public Speaking, I’m OK if that goal ends up looking different in the end. I fully expect the future to not look like what I could imagine in the present. What I should do is be intentional now. What is something I can do today? Anything. As long as it’s something.

My current baby steps:

My first thought went to my two least favorite hours each day: traffic to and from work. So I started downloading relevant podcasts, lectures, and speeches (just as soon as I’m done with Serial) for my otherwise wasted time.
Another actionable task was just to discover what I have to talk about, and ended up being the genesis of this blog.
I’m purposefully spending less time on Facebook and more following specific people/brands on Twitter.
I’ve put together a list of potential places to speak (Toastmasters, Chamber, Church, Youth Organizations) and have a few lined up.
I tried to think any connections I have to professional speakers, reached out to one, and have a meeting pending.

Not goals, but steps. Maybe I’m mincing words here, but it’s obvious to me that I’ve done more in this month than I have in years of simply having theoretical goals. Whatever happens, it will be because I took steps to get there or my direction intentionally veered as I was taking those steps. But either way I won’t be disappointed, at least not because my “goals” weren’t met, weren’t correct, or weren’t attainable. Inaction, laziness, or preoccupation will not be an excuse. I will have taken steps to get there. And in a way, it’s exciting to not know exactly what there is.